It's April. The days have blended into blurs of reality, and I look outside and see beautiful sunlight, blooming flowers, and there are no longer birds shivering on empty branches but instead the love birds sing and spring has blossomed right under our very toes. Where did the snow melt off to? Where did my time go? And why, even with warm feet all I do is wonder where the time has passed as if my watch died and I suddenly just noticed.. only, it's April, spring, and I've lost March. If found, please return, because I could really use the rewind button.

My body is tangled in messes that I can only understand enough to worry, who knows what tomorrow brings, I'm finished with trying to figure out life, dreams, putting ambition together etc. Instead, all of that will flow like water down a river, and i'm hoping ten years from now I won't wake up in some dreadful routine working at a retail store and instead, i'll be living out my dreams and hopes in some magical reality. This, however starts with what I do today, tomorrow and so on--but i've just been too lost and overwhelmed to make it happen, so why continue to worry? Pressue has only given me ulcers and terrible jobs.

Instead, I walk puppies, drink red wine, and get hooked on reality television. You laugh, and judge, but look in the mirror, and can you honestly tell me you aren't wondering who is going to win the biggest loser, american idol, american top model, project run way--or i'm sorry, perhaps you are more of a dancing with the stars kind of fan?
This is now--this is our culture, we've been hooked for ten years, it's not going to stop anytime soon---instead..We are just going to be another survivor.

In the end though, my tales continue to pile up in three by five photographs of yesterdays laughs, and tomorrow unfolds in strange turn of events that i'm soley responsible for. Because this year, in this bright 2010 that brings another decade into our fingers, i've learned... if anything is going to happen for me, it's my working hands that is going to make it blossom into flowers and i'm the only one responsible if it soils.

So i'm no longer drinking hot tea and hiding in a basement like a troll with an attitudes as sour as bad apples--instead i'm looking to the future, coffee in hand to live every hour to the fullest, and perhaps tomorrow might be filled with not only job interviews for a career--but a new beau too...one who isn't someone elses, a father, a boy that is looking to fill a void, or any of the other discarded relationships of the past year.. perhaps if i'm finally thinking committment, maybe i'm starting to grow up.

now that, above all the decaying fallen leaves, the glistering sunlight and within ear shot of the love birds--makes this spring the scariest, i'm all grown up and starting to act it.