Music: Radiohead

I had the greatest weekend with Jo and T. I got there Friday and didn’t leave till Monday - it’s the most relaxed and easy time i’ve had in i don’t even know how long…

We were totally debauched the entire time, but it was just so much fun i don’t even feel guilty for being drunk and/or stoned the entire time…heh.
In a weird way, it was good for me. I got to spend time with two really great girls (and sometimes Jo’s man), we listened to tons of Radiohead, we talked and we partied and slept too late. We loafed on the couch, we got loud and silly in a bar.
I made out with a girl for the first time in aeons, i smoked Maryjane for the first time in…well, months ;).

R and N brought the Piglet by and we all sipped sangria as he played on the porch with us. Then the next day, R left the Piglet home with N so she could hang out with us (hence the Loud and Silly in aforementioned bar).

Of course, i’m having a bit of a worry because i’m not looking for anything complicated with anyone right now - and even though i told Her that, i also kissed her, and i think she quite likes me. I quite like her as well, but i’m still in a sort of hypervigilantly anti-relationship mode at the moment. Even if i were wildly attracted to her, i’d sing the same tune. Not that she isn’t attractive. Christ, i write stuff like this and just pray to the PTBs that nobody i know reads this damn thing…

But the thing is, i’m…well i’ll admit that i am really dying to have sex. Not to be crude or whatever, but yeah…i am.
But i also am very protective of my freedom at the moment. Not just the moment…i came to a few realizations recently about the type of people i tend to date, and they are almost consistently possessive/jealous/insecure people. More so than is healthy in my opinion. So, i don’t want to be with anyone like that; however since i seem to draw/be drawn to those people, i have to first figure out what’s going on with me that is making that happen before i get involved with anyone.
Now, this girl doesn’t strike me as unreasonable or anything like that, but i really don’t know for sure, as this sort of thing tends to come up after intimacy. So, i want to move at a snail’s pace with anyone i want to even so much as kiss. And right now, i’m not really sure i want to fuck ANYone in my immediate little Universe of Discourse.
Well, to be more to the point, there is someone i’m attracted to, but it’s someone who’s, in my own personal definition of the concept, off limits (not taken or married or anything, it just wouldn’t be wise).
Basically, i can’t think of anyone it would be “wise” to hook up with at the moment…

But. I have to give up the computer to a flatmate for awhile, but i’ll continue this though later….

*~*~*~*~

Those little doo-dads indicate “later”, in case you were wondering.
So anyway, it just feels pretty much ill-advised to be with anyone at the moment, sexually or otherwise. Because the person to whom i’m irrationally and totally beastially attracted to is not remotely realistic - he’s single and all, but it would upset a delicate balance in my life. And the girl who would probably make a really great girlfriend is…well, just that. Probably a really great girlfriend. But i don’t want a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Not right now in any case. If i could mush the two of them together into one person it might actually be the perfect lover, ironically enough.
I really wish that, for the moment, i could find a lover i’m wildly attracted to sexually who is low-maintenance, whip-smart, talented and an active artist/musician or something of that nature. That way, we’d both be busy with our art enough to not be too demanding upon eachother’s energy all the time. Someone that i’m excited about who is independent enough where things develop slowly.
I’m not much for conventional relationships, i’ve discovered. Not that i’m incapable of committing to someone, but to me that still requires a lot of independence and autonomy.

My flatmates and i had a great conversation about attachment and relationships last night, which helped firm up and put words to the ideas i have about the way i see romantic relationships in general, and specifically in relation to my own weird self. I am willing to continue to be alone until i can find someone just as weird as me, and i hope that i’ll never make the same stupid mistakes that i have in the past.
So far, i think i’m doing pretty well. So maybe this girl just came too late…and maybe the guy i’m attracted to showed up too soon. Either way, i’m willing to wait it all out and let things unfold naturally.

In the meantime, i’ll just keep working on my art…