Music: Fuck and Run, Liz Phair

Tomorrow, i’ll be going to my first dance-class in…a thousand years.
Or so it feels.
I hope my spine is ready. I think it’s ready.

Omifuckinggod but i’m nervous. I’m afraid i’ll chicken out. I can’t chicken out. I have a dance i want to choreograph. Therefore, chickening out would be the height of Shooting-Oneself-In-The-Foot.
Innit.

Meanwhile i’m holed up in the Piglet’s house for the weekend whilst they’re out of town - doing all kinds of photos and writing and practicing what little i have left in terms of my Modern Ballet technique for class tomorrow.
I’m “holing up” for several reasons - working on all the above being a big one. But i am also currently having a bona-fide, full-fledged, “Exile in Guyville” sort of week.
Let’s just say i’ve no fucking idea what i’m doing right now, let alone what anyone of the opposite sex is doing (or the same-sex, for that matter).
Everything seems to be in some sick sort of Limbo, and the worst of it is that i seem to be relatively content in Ambivalence Land.
Which worries me.
Because i am beginning to think i’ve spent my whole life in Ambivalence Land - at least since i’ve been about 16.

Have no bloody idea what’s happening with G - it seems things just sort of…slid off track. If there ever was a track. If there was, it’s clearly that track in Uptown that’s overgrown with weeds and drops off into Nothingness at Sheridan and Irving Park…
And i’m not even sure how i feel about that.
We see each other all the time, obviously - but it’s hardly Romance Central in the apartment.
I mean, i have a closer connection (and Constant Fun) with my Brain-Twin, Birds - and that bloody Brit’s all the way in New Yawk.
Of course, that’s always been the case. Why is it i have such a fantastic time with my friends, but lovers…
It always seems like there’s something missing.

What in the Hell am i waiting for, anyway?

Something extraordinary.
Everything else in my life is extraordinary (God, but i’m lucky in that way). I just want to find someone who fits. Or with whom i fit. Or something.
Sigh.
And frankly, i’m getting a little tired of the same old crap. I’m ready for that to change, already.

I’ve got my frogpants on, and i’m ready to jump!

But, I can wait.