Ah, here we are. The Whore Gagger Finale.
I and especially @ have written a lot of gags over the last 16 months (398 including this one, to be exact). And a lot of those gags featured some kind of moral or lesson that can be learned. It's always nice to entertain and educate our readers at the same time! So I can't think of a better way to end this thang than with the following footage.
At some point last year, me and @ were just chillin' at my house when all of the sudden, we find ourselves watching the local educational access channel. I don't know why, but we left it on. And what followed was a hilariously entertaining video. At least to me and him! It follows a kid named Henry Clark on his journey from being a loser, to being accepted, to realizing he was becoming just as much of a villain as the bully he couldn't stand, Tom.
As a final gift to the readers and my good buddy @, I present you with this after school special from 1988, Henry's Decision.
Wasn't that awesome? And it's full of catch phrases that I know you'll start using in your day to day life, just as me and @ did!
Such as...
"Take me out to the ball game!"
"Only wimps get hurt playing softball!"
"Boy, that was stupid!"
"I'm all right!"
"I walked around the room admiring those sweet symbols of my newfound maturity."
"It's plastic!"
"Hey Tom, is that the only dress your sister has?" - Top notch shit talking right there!
"Those few words from Tom stung like an angry hornet."
"Oh no! Bonecrusher Sloan!"
And while I'm at it, I'd like to point out some things about this video...
Henry kind of reminds me of @. He's not big on sports, he's got a gut (or a "Ted," as we call it), which you can clearly see around the 3:50 mark in Part 3 (maybe he wouldn't have that thing if he'd fucking participate in gym class every once in awhile), and he loves himself!
In Part 1, around the 3:06 mark, we can just barely hear Carl talking to his friends... And he's talking about a guy having amazing abs. What the fuck?
But then, around the 3:55 mark in Part 1, we see that Tom is using his sister to get to her friends. Looks like he's trying to get an orgy arranged once they all go through puberty and those hormones start raging.
The softball action sequence is classic 80's, right down to the music.
Speaking of the softball sequence... Is the female gym teacher racist? I mean... Both Tom and Carl were talking shit to Henry when he was up to bat, but only Carl got in trouble! What the fuck Whitey?
So then Henry actually gets a good hit, driving the ball over Carl's head. As a baseball/softball player, that clearly should have been a double. But Henry's dumbass just stops at first and smiles! If he knew what the fuck he was doing, he would have ran to second for the double! And goddamn, if you're going to stop at first, at least run through the bag like you're supposed to!
The line delivery at 4:30 in Part 2 is amazing. But Brian's attention getter at 4:39 is a true "What the fuck?" moment! What was he doing? Then we see another example of fantastic line delivery at 4:52.
Later, while everyone is out looking for random shit in the woods (is that safe? Especially three guys and a girl with a broken arm... She's more than defenseless... Good thing these kids haven't hit puberty yet), Carl looks under a rock and says there's nothing under there. But then another kid looks under AND FUCKING SCREAMS. What the hell was under there? A graphic picture of his parents having anal sex?
The 2:06 mark in Part 3 brings us yet another fantastic line delivery.
Oh, and don't try to tell me you won't be singing that awesome "Science Project" song for the next two days.
During the science class, we see Louise, the girl with the broken arm who happens to be the only one that will talk to Henry, sitting right next to Henry... And very close at that. It's obvious she likes him! But he obviously wants nothing to do with her. He might have some sort of prejudice against cripples.
4:26 in Part 3 gives us another fine line delivery.
So then we're outside in gym class yet again. Tom walks up to talk more shit to Henry and throws some more homo-eroticism our way. Tom is playing it like he's tough, but he's talking about "us guys," suggesting there is a secret group of weiner lovers on the down-low. He even goes as far as giving Henry a gentle touch on the elbow to help entice him.
Then we get to the exciting climax of the story... The race. Now, ever since Henry broke his shoelace and was given a replacement by Brian, he's been stuck thinking about Brian. That little nerd is obviously some kind of fucking brain (almost Brian!) ninja out for revenge. He planted that shoelace and let it fester in Henry's head until that grenade went off at the perfect time... In the race. So Henry goes down in a blaze of glory, utilizing acting skills that would make Megan Fox jealous. Brian wins the race... And by winning, he finishes second to last. Meanwhile, Henry, who just wanted to finish the race, didn't even accomplish that much!
Brian stands up to Tom, who then feels like shit for being an asshole and was apparently threatened by the tiny nerd. The entire class starts to walk away, with Carl putting his arm around Brian. Maybe Brian as awesome abs? I don't know. But while the emotional epiphany music plays, Carl turns and asks Tom if he wants to come... Uh, yeah, he fucking has to! He's in the middle of school! What, does he get to stay outside all day while the rest of the kids have to go to social studies?
Then we see the teachers and Louise helping Henry up. But he doesn't even notice her since he hates cripples and pays more attention to the girl he actually likes right in front of Louise. Smooth one dickface.
By this time, the entire class and two teachers are walking back to the building while Tom just stands there. Apparently these teachers don't mind leaving students outside. So much for no child left behind!
So there you have it folks. Remember this video, and remember to treat others how you want to be treated!
Because sometimes you can lose and win at the same time.
Thanks for reading everyone.
- ©