This week marks the Great Experience Retreat.
Basically it's a work fundraiser and training program that serves 2 important things:
1) Further instruction to employees on the fundamentals of a better workplace enviornment with a more hands-on approach to medicine within the community and, eventually, establishing our vision as a premier health service center and leader in genome technologies.
2) Steak.
I went for the steak dinner. And because if I didn't...I'd be fired. Of course, the actual going and getting there presented its own problems. We (As in upwards of 5500 employees) had to ride a bus (Well buses) out to this humongoid church in the middle of ass-backward-nowhere.
Yes, again, I was riding a Church Bus To Hell.
The worst part? I wasn't going to be attending this little shindig with my life, my love and my lady GSHICBSLMTHMW. Yeah, we got cross mojonations and our stars did not align. She was assigned to a different bus on a different day. I was bummed.
But thankfully the guy I was stuck sitting with in her place brought along his cell phone and started blasting christian music from the speaker for all to hear. And when I say "thankfully" I mean, I wanted to banish his soul to an eternal ring in Hell for all eternity.
So, I was sitting there, waiting on the bus to get ready to go to the church-business function. And I was listening to "Jesus The Mighty Man" on speaker volume 45. And I was desperately wanting to die...When the bus doors opened and there was my lady. GSHICBSLMTHWMW switched buses! She actually decided to come with me. Cue the: Awwww.
Once there, we were all locked (Literally locked) into this huge Jesus Room and thus began the 2 hour series of talks, facts and figures. I didn't mind though, I was with my girl. Well, with my pregnant from somebody elses penis girl. Still. But, then, SUDDENLY...I had a premonition of pee. I was about to let loose the flood gates. But guess who else had to wiz? GSHICBSLMTHWMW.
Now if that isn't love...
Here's the problem though: the doors were locked and there wasn't a wizzer in sight. After finagling a higher-up into unlocking the doors, we were eventually let out of the Jesus Cave and went looking for the bathroom. But guess what? Jesus must've never needed to wiz. There were no bathrooms in the fucking place! It was 6 stories high and no bathrooms! I was upset. UNTIL...suddenly we stumbled upon a set of toities.
They were locked.
Right then, I knew I had to be the hero for my lady. I knew that this was my moment to shine like a shiny knight. She had to wiz goddamn it! I mustered up some foot strength and kicked the door loose (After at least 6 kicks) and broke the lock! I was the hero! And Breaker Of Jesus Doors. Afterward, when we had released our urine...I got frenched by GSHICBSLMTHWMW.
The moral? Forget gift cards, flowers, candy, rings and teddy bears...
Nothing says "I love you" like doing a little B & E in a Jesus Hut all in the name of letting your special lady friend unload some yellow.
-@