The following tale involves: Murder! Mystery! Intrigue! Deception! Dead-ish Hookers!
Pretty exciting shit, huh?
Let's get this bit of backstory out of the way first, shall we? I've almost died and/or been killed at least 23,000 times. Ok, that number is a bit much. But still, weird and outrageous death-like scenarios often occur in and around my general area. Ask © if you think I'm pulling your pud. I once almost died from an ingredient in gum. Hell, I've even fought a robber/bandit in my own living room. No joke! The only reason that particular experience isn't in my Gagography is that my psychiatrist feels I'm not ready to move on yet...But hopefully the night terrors/bed wetting will eventually stop. Fingers crossed!
Fortunetly for me however, these near death experiences have wained a bit.
I haven't experienced A Deathy (That's what I call them) in some time. Until...Just recently. Well, at the beginning of this sucker I did warn you the following tale involved: Murder! Mystery! Intrigue! Deception! and Dead-ish Hookers! now didn't I? So you're bound to know some shit went down.
Sadly, I have to be vague-ish on the particulars of this sucker since this occured at the Hosp and it involved a patient and blah, blah, blah. So as long as I don't mention the lady's name was Sally Ann Johnson from Salt Lake City, Utah and that she was 39 years old with auburn hair and blue eyes...Oh wait, shit. Goddamn it.
Forget that part, ok?
For the past 3 weeks there's been, oh what should I call her, a Lady Of The Night (A prostitute) in one of our ICU beds. Why? Well, the story goes that some guy named Hit-y (That's my fictional name for him anywho) who was a client/BF of the Lady Of The Night, caught the Lady Of The Night with another guy...So Hit-y beat the shit out of her with a bat.
Uhm, Hit-y? I don't mean to make you any hit-ier but...SHE'S A LADY OF THE NIGHT! Did you think she was only loyal to you?
Guess not. So after the Lady Of The Night got admitted to ICU, Hit-y threatened to come into the Hosp and stab her. Which effectively changed his name from Hit-y to Knife-y. Gotta keep this straight, you know? In response to Hit-y/Knife-y's threat, the ICU was put on High Alert and had 6 guards placed outside it.
And guess who got nominated to enter the guarded room of the Lady Of The Night and go over meal choices with her?
Your Friendly Neighborhood @.
I was not happy with this task because I didn't carry a gun on my person like the 6 FUCKING GUARDS THAT WERE STANDING OUTSIDE THE UNIT! But...I went ahead and sauntered in (With a guard). And I began to go over Healthy Meal Solutions...When suddenly! Wouldn't you fucking believe it? As I'm talking to the Lady Of The Night...I hear a scuffling noise outside the unit. What th--? No, it can't be!
But yes, it was.
Hit-y/Knife-y had come back into the Hosp to finish off the Lady Of The Night AS I WAS IN THE GODDAMN ROOM WITH HER! Jesus H. Jones! Do you know how differently this Gag would've turned out if I had seen a Lady Of The Night getting knifed? Less fucking funny, that's for damn sure!
But in the end, it was a pretty minor conflict.
Hit-y/Knife-y got nabbed and sent to jail/prison to get beaten/ass raped. Aww, happy ending.
I mean, Hit-y/Knife-y didn't stand a chance against 6 guards! Do the damn math, Hit-y/Knife-y!
Now, I wasn't too shaken up by this whole mess. I didn't even see Hit-y/Knife-y and it was such an inconsequential skirmish that I doubt it even made our papers Police Beat. But still, it was enough to make me a minor celebrity around the Hosp for the day. And it gave me an amazing experience later that night...But we'll talk about that later in Pt. 2.
So, I guess I should say: thank-you Hit-y/Knife-y for trying to cut a bitch.
- @