Now readers, don't be alarmed. I know you never thought you'd see the day on Whore Gagger where I, ©, wrote about a hatred for farts. Not after all of my Gags about farts and poop and how much I love them both.
But this is different.
As much as I do enjoy pooping and farting, I do tend to keep it to myself. Especially when I'm around my girlfriend. It's not that I am embarrassed about farting in front of her. I'm definitely not, as we'll get to shortly. I'd just rather keep a little bit of politeness involved.
She... Apparently doesn't.
As a relationship evolves, the two people tend to become more comfortable with eachother. You start letting your guard down and behaving much more like your true selves. In the case of me and my girlfriend, we were pretty comfortable around eachother from the get go.
But there were things that we still sort of kept under control.
Until the six month mark.
Apparently, the six month mark is when it becomes ok to start farting around eachother. Pooping too, though I broke that barrier early and not by choice. I had been at her place for awhile, went in the bathroom to pee (which was a barrier that had been broken around the three month mark), and suddenly felt the rush of turds. Much to my horror, I blew it up in her bathroom that day.
But around six months, it suddenly became OK to just let the farts fly around eachother. I'm pretty sure she's the one that implemented this advance in our relationship. I wouldn't have. Not after the last time I initiated it.
See, when I was with my Crazy Ex, she would never fart around me. Not even after six months. So one day, I thought it would be funny to tell her to just do it. I mean, how bad could it be? It'd just be this cute little girl fart that didn't stink, right?
Wrong.
She began unleashing some of the most rancid, brutal farts I had ever smelled. It became so frequent that it actually got on my nerves. I mean, I'm all for a nice loud fart that we can laugh at. But at a certain point, especially when they're all super stinky, that it just becomes super annoying. I'm just sitting there trying to watch TV and all of the sudden I can't breathe. Eventually it just started pissing me off every time it happened.
So when the time came in this relationship, I didn't want to initiate a Free Fart Environment. Unfortunately, it happened anyway.
Now let me get something straight in regards to my own farts... My stinkiest, most powerful farts always happen at work. I think this is a product of the whole conditioning of my intestines to poop at work as much as possible. And since I unleash my most potent, powerful farts at work, I'm the only one that is subject to them.
My girlfriend isn't so nice.
She unleashes whenever. Wherever. In the living room. In bed. In my truck. In the stairway.
There's no holding back.
And every time, it's followed by the same laughter and the two comments from her.
"Oh, that really stinks."
More laughter.
And then a few seconds later... "Oh, that's really bad!" And more laughter.
Except it's not funny. It's annoying.
Especially considering how much she complains about the people she works with getting on her nerves and she won't fart on them. But here I treat her like a goddamn gassy princess and she has no problems farting on me and making me suffer! That's a little backwards!
Which brings me to my next question... How the hell does a person hold things like that for so long? I mean... It's not like she never, ever had to fart for the first six months we were together. Considering how powerful these things are now, what the hell did she do for the first six months whenever one of these things boiled up? She had to be near the level of combustion or something. Maybe that's what spontaneous combustion is. Someone is still within the first six months of a relationship and they hold too many farts in one night after having Taco Bell for lunch and they just explode. All because they don't want to fart in front of their significant other.
On the same note... How was she able to consciously keep herself from snoring for the first few months that we slept in the same bed at night? But then we cross that snoring barrier at some point and it suddenly becomes OK to snore like a fucking snow blower every night. All of this while she's asleep! It doesn't make any goddamn sense!
But back to the farts... Every once in awhile I'll actually muster one up when we are together, and I'll force it out with spite. Problem is, most of the time it doesn't stink. It might be loud. But it doesn't stink. Once again, that's my body saving the poopy farts for work. Then she laughs at my fart, which makes me laugh, which makes her mad. Why?
Because I don't laugh at her farts. She thinks it's wrong that I'll laugh at mine but not laugh at hers. Well, there are a couple of different reasons for that. First of all... I'm not laughing at my fart. I'm laughing at her laughing at it. Second... MINE DON'T STINK. The last thing I want to do is have my mouth open sucking in air when she's unleashed a gas bomb.
So guys, please be careful whenever you reach the six month mark of your relationship. You may think tiny little squeaky girl farts will be cute. That may make you encourage your lady to let a toot once in awhile. But don't do it... Don't open the gates. Once they are open, you can never shut them again. She'll unleash, you'll smell it and hate it, you'll get pissed off and clench your fist...
And what will you be left with?
A fistful of fart.
- ©