Oops, it’s been over two months. Don’t know how that happened. Really? Why do I even have this if I never write? *sigh*
Today’s thought, or question, or whatever - why am I not the person I want to be? I guess we’d be starting with the assumption that I know who that person is, that I actually understand who I want to be. And so I guess I’ll humor myself for now and make that assumption. So why am I not that person? Why don’t I make the changes that I want to me?
For instance. I know that I want to eat better than how I currently eat. Not that I make horrible food choices all the time, but I could be much better than I am and, looking at my weight and overall health, I should be making better choices. So why aren’t I?
At work. I love joking around with HMJ and sometimes with Steve. And I do enjoy the workplace-inappropriate sexual comments, knowing that they actually enjoy them too on some level. But that’s not who I really want to be. I know that they are both straight and, while they find my funny comments to be just that - funny - I am still at work, I do need to have a professional relationship with them, and it’s not like anything is ever going to happen there. So…why continue? On the one hand, there’s no harm, because I do have a successful professional relationship with them. And really, the only risk is the wrong person overhearing, which is possible. Is this just me justifying it away?
Why don’t I kayak more often? Yes, I can give you 18,000 reasons why it’s not easy to do. But why don’t I make the effort?
And here. This place - this journal - to get thoughts out of my head without people I know reading it, so I don’t have to censor myself. So, then, um, why haven’t I written anything here in over two months?
Things like that. If I know at least pieces of who I want to be - and that I do - why don’t I at least make those changes, take those steps? Is it fear? Is it that I’m happy as I am now? Is it laziness? Is it inertia?
I need to make a plan. Or, fuck the plan, I need to start making changes. I need to be closer to the person I know I want to be. And can be.