i do. i really wonder how much more of this i can take...some days i can just let it roll right off my shoulders and other days i feel as though the weight of it will not allow me to crawl out of bed.
and yet i know i have to get up. i have to send the kids off to school with a warm meal and a hug, even though they really aren't 'kids' anymore. make their lives as normal as possible.
i know i have to get in the shower, get dressed and go about my day. one foot in front of the other. one day at a time. all those little motivational clichés.
somedays though, i would really just love to say 'i quit!'. followed by 'fuck you' and then 'you have broken my heart and i don't know if it can be fixed, but it's up to you to make an effort for a change, and i don't give a flying fuck if you are sick, because from where i sit you aren't even making an effort to get well, you selfish selfish asshole'.
i would never do that though...
the thought of valentine's day has been overwhelming for the past 2 years. it's hard to buy a valentine for someone that you absolutely hate some days, feel indifferent to somedays and yet find that you still love. most valentine's are about being 'in love'. that's something i don't even remember how it feels, anymore.
can a person love someone and not be in love with them? not platonically either...and if a person loves someone, was once in love with someone, can they find their way back into being in love with them again?
the actual living moving force of 'being in love' is so foreign to me now. the tighter the grip the more i want to dash...and the sadder i become.
i really and truly WANT to be actively 'in love' with him again, instead of just loving him.
sometimes i really wonder if i'm fooling myself? if i'm holding off the inevitable? if i'm doing the right thing?
i do know however, and i don't have to really wonder, sometimes love sucks.
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All original content of this Journal is from my addled brain, but I share, just ask!
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