haven't got time for the pain
2/17/2009 10:15:16 AM
Today I'm feeling: 
"Suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive
Though thats just how much it cost to survive in this world..."
~ Carly Simon, "Haven't Got Time for the Pain"
I found an article called "19 Tips for Getting Past the Pain of a Partner's Infidelity" on-line and I wondered, can this be applied to getting past the feelings of betrayal the spouse of an alcoholic/addict might feel? Especially after years of alcohol abuse and the revolving door of rehab and AA meetings? What happens when you feel as though AlAnon isn't cutting it for you anymore, because you are dead tired and your spouse has refused counseling, AA or God, because they can 'do it on their own', only they can't...because, well you know, they're addicts?
The tips...edited by me for clarification.
Finding Out: What to do right after "D-Day":
"Take time off. Going away for a while (with or without children) helps you to gain clarity. Take a few days off from work. If that's not possible, go away for a weekend. Even if you can only afford to go down the street to a friend's house, the personal time is worth it." (you know, I think this should be applied at any point during the process...sometimes you need to just get away on your own...now if I could only take my own advice!)
"Surround yourself with people who love you. Ask for help and support from your parents, siblings and friends right away. Don't be afraid of what anyone might think, because this situation is not your fault."
"Learn to say "no". You are under extreme stress, but the rest of your life -- job, kids, friends -- won't calm down. Prioritize your responsibilities so that you can put some of them on the back burner. Start to tell people, 'I will have to deal with this low-priority issue later.'
Putting Yourself First :
"If you don't have one, start your own bank account right away. Save as much money each week as you can. Even if your marriage heals, you can always use this account, and it's much better to be prepared than to get caught short."
"Get counseling for yourself first. Couples counseling is important, but going alone is vital. If insurance allows it, see your own counselor apart from your marriage counselor on a regular basis..."
"Go get tested for STDs and HIV. As scary as this seems, your health is something that is simply too important to hide from. For many of the tests, you can even get results in one day." (makes sense if your addict has also been known to stray, which for me is the deal-breaker in working on the marriage, but since this originally applied to those dealing with infidelity I'll leave it. It is applicable after all, for many, and not always their deal-breaker, just mine.)
Deciding to Stay or Go:
"You are not to blame for your husband's decision to cheat (drink). In the same way, you must take responsibility for your decisions. If you base all of your choices on what makes you happy, they are good ones. Don't stay with him out of guilt, but do not leave him out of spite." (this is where I sit people...the points on this picket fence are really starting to get up my ass too!)
"If you settle for less than you want, you will get less than you settle for. I hope that none of us are settling for anything." (when does compromise end and settling begin? Is that rhetorical, I don't know.)
"I simply could not live with mistrust. At first I thought, 'Well yes he hurt me, but he's a good father, a good provider, and he makes me laugh.' But I always came back to questions. If he went out of town, I wanted to know if he was having one-night stands. (drinking) If I couldn't reach him at work, I wondered, was he with another woman? (drunk) Some women may be able to live with the question mark, but I could not." (also, if he was late coming home, does this mean he stopped at the liquor store/bar or has he started drinking and driving again and if so, has he been in a wreck or been arrested?)
If You Choose to Rebuild the Relationship :
"Beware of the 'honeymoon stage.' A lot of betrayed couples go through a period of bliss right after they decide to 'work things out.' A sort of euphoria comes on, but it is simply false security, because the roller coaster ride often comes next. The happy honeymoon stage can last from 2 days to 10 months, but eventually you will have to live in reality -- tough times and all."
"If you need to know where your spouse is at all times, that's okay. He betrayed you and you are hurting. Just ask for extra reassurance. An extra phone call or having the key to his office can help. If he really wants to repair your relationship, he's got to be willing to share the details of his life, no matter how small." (the question is, how long will the addict agree to this, before they start feeling under the microscope? Of course this only leads to the spouses suspicion that they are using again, so the cycle gets vicious.)
If You Choose to Let Your Spouse Go: (this can also apply to those whose addict has decide to go to Rehab, be it the first time or the twenty-first time..God help them!)
"Don't look at your husband's leaving as your life ending -- it can be a new beginning. After 17 years together, my husband left me, and I felt so alone, scared and angry. I found out I can do things I thought I never could, and a new, more self-confident, peaceful me emerged." (this can be very true)
"It's hard, but stop yourself from wondering if he will come home. Focus on yourself (and your kids). Do things that you like to do -- shop, take walks, long baths, whatever makes you feel good! If you have kids, make special time to be with them." (this is a wonderful effect, a sort of pot of gold at the end of the rainbow time)
"Explain the situation to your children if they are old enough to understand what's happening. Tell them that you are still available to them, and that you need their support, too. Kids are perceptive, and they'll see through any lies." (yep, and the lies or the unspoken truths do NOT protect them at all. And it's hard to keep up with all the lies, so just be plain spoken, without being cruel or angry)
Facing the Idea of the Other Woman: (in this case, the 'other woman' is alcohol...think about it)
"Try this: If you say, 'I hate the other woman,' ask yourself, 'Why does she (it) have that power over me? What am I getting from all this misery?' I struggled with these questions, but when I finally answered them I felt as if a huge load was off my shoulders. I had so much trouble seeing how we might be similar, but light bulbs went on for me when I figured it out. For example, she (it) is destructive, but so am I because I am hurting myself by being sad." (letting anything have power over you is destructive, unless it's your Higher Power...whatever you chose that to be. We can choose to be happy or choose to be sad...but I will say this, the occasional 'wallow' is good for the soul and imho, allowed!)
"I once compared my husband's decision between the OW(alcohol) and me to a decision between sleek but crippling high heels (that's her) or sensible loafers (that's me). If your husband stumbles upon the oh-so-fashionable black silk pump, here's what you do: Let him walk around a bit, enjoying the benefits pumps have to offer. Sooner or later, we all grow up and decide not to wear shoes that make our feet hurt. Sabotaging his relationship or berating him for his decision will only push him away. Let him figure out what damage he is doing on his own and give Strappy Slingback the boot on his own." (in other words, if the shoe fits wear it until you can't stand to wear it anymore? Well, they do say that the spouse of an addict should love their addict enough to let them make their own mistakes and come to their own decisions and that any inference can make this process last longer...that's what they say)
"If you try to tell the OW what is happening, you are the only one who could lose. Say she throws him out. You may be left feeling like a consolation prize. If he ends it on his own, it will be his choice, and you won't be left feeling regret. Continue to grow, learn to be self-sufficient and strive to be the best individual you can be." (bottom line, it HAS to be his choice to quit and to work on sobriety. He can't do it for anyone BUT himself or it will be an epic failure...I know from where I speak, we've done 4 rehabs in 6 years and he is veering towards #5 any day now, but it's GOT to be his decision to go, because he truly wants to stop)
A Word about Revenge
"Revenge never helps you get control and always comes back to haunt you. Choose healthier ways to your express anger. Yell, talk about how you're feeling with friends, go work out, but in the end learn to let the anger go. The only acceptable revenge is to live a wonderful life." (this is true, no matter how good you might feel for the moment to 'do something' it will always bite you in the ass later, even in they never find out, it will eat away at your soul and wake you up in the middle of the night...and the worse thing I ever did was smash all of his bottles, on his car hood...)
I am dead tired of all the platitudes of Al-Anon and I am disgusted that the closest Ala-Teen meeting is 4 hours away. He isn't going to AA, isn't working any kind of program, isn't even taking the pills from that last 'rehab' that was all about meds and doing it on his own, with no guidelines...what a frickin' waste of time and money that was for us all.
I had hoped to head to the beach for a few days work and away time. I wanted to wait until Mom got back from Mobile on Wednesday, so that if he drank (ha! if) the kids would have somewhere to go, if they wanted to just get away...but the youngest kid has come down with something and D is making noise about us going to the beach together, because we haven't been in so long and we need to get down there to do some work before Spring Break, next month. While what he says is true, the last fucking thing I want to do right now is go to the beach house with him....It's currently the seventeenth day of February and he's been sober one day this month...it is also currently the forty-eighth day of 2009 and he has been sober four days. That's like 88% for 2009. My odds aren't looking very good for a sober beach trip, assumming the kid is feeling better in a day or two.
I swear, everytime I try to do something for myself, it falls apart. It is usually child-related (illness, field trip) but I'm not ready to sacrifice one of the kids for myself...and I keep hoping and praying that HE will finally hit bottom and decide it's time to be sober again, because if it were up to me? It would have happend ten years ago.
Today In History: On February 17, 1865, General William Tecumseh Sherman sacks Columbia, South Carolina and left a charred city in their wake.
Word of the Day:Sword of Damocles (sord uhv DAM-uh-kleez)
noun: An ever-present threat; an impending disaster.
Come from Damocles of Greek legend. Damocles was a courtier who flattered the ruler Dionysius, tyrant of Syracuse, to excess. The fulsome praise so annoyed the king that he decided to teach him a lesson. He held a banquet in honor of Damocles but when Damocles saw the sword hanging by a single horse-hair over his head, he lost all taste for the lavish feast. He realized that even those who appear to enjoy great fortune face fears and worries. By the way, the word impending literally means hanging over. (no kidding, this is the actual word for 2/17/09...how apt..and spooky!)
Off the book-shelf/in my lap: The Help, Kathryn Stockett
Soundtrack of My Life: If U Leave, Musiq Soulchild
- 17:35, 2009-10-9: dear diary
- 16:48, 2009-10-6: brain drain
- 12:48, 2009-10-5: forbearance
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