Sleepingmermaid's Journal

"To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
the wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying."
~ jrr tolkein

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when confusion reigns it pours


2/23/2009 5:51:30 PM

Today I'm feeling:

"Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
~ Leo Buscaglia

I need a vacation. Really. I need some time alone, by myself, with no interruptions. I am fairly certain that after one day of 'alone time/me time' I will be bored and lonely and ready to come home.

I told D I was going to the beach on Wednesday. Alone.

Now I feel guilty as hell, because he is 'hurt' and feels like he's been 'kicked in the stomach', etc. Yeah, he is working me and I am trying really hard to NOT cave in and either (1) invite him along or (2) just not go.

We have not been down since mid-October, and I know there is a lot of work that needs to be done. I have also been driving around with a car load of junk for the past 2 months. Stuff that needs to go to the beach...and I am tired of loading the groceries practically under my feet. And I am tired of hearing the stuff rattle in the back.

I am also just tired.

I do not want to hear the usual accusations. I do not want to shoulder the blame because he choses to have a drink, even though I know that this very situation, with me being honest with him, is the kind that allows him to think he can have a drink...of course if he is going to drink, he isgoing to drink, and I should not let his decisions dictate what I do.

One thing that I just do not get is that he has a problem with me going on a trip without him. I have never done anything to make him question my fidelity, but he just seems to have issues about me going on my own or with my friends...over the years I have stayed home so many times, and missed so many trips, dinners, parties, because he thought it looked 'bad' or 'wrong' if I went without him. And he always throws out the names of people that we know who got divorced and he blames it on the trips or the going out...as if he cannot see that there were probably already problems in those marriages or that the people involved were just the kinds who cheat.

I makes me feel so small.

So, to recap: I have declared that I am going to the beach ALONE, and I am worried that I will cave-in and not go. I am tired and need time alone. I feel insignificant.

Whew! Who needs to go to therapy this week? Not I...

Today In History:On February 23, 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.
Word of the Day:contumacious (kon-tuh-MAY-shuhs, -tyoo-)
adjective Stubborn, insubordinate.
Currently Reading: The Help, Kathryn Stockett
My iPod Says: Good-bye Don't Mean I'm Gone, Carole King


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