Sleepingmermaid's Journal

"To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
the wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying."
~ jrr tolkein

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on the first day of august


8/1/2009 10:39:43 PM

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
~ Anais Nin

Yes, and on that cheery note I start a new entry for a new month. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long while. The 5-year anniversary of my Father's death.

What better to compound that than to have D get shit-faced? Even knowing what a tough day I was having? Oh, and then to learn that my daughter's college roommate may end up bailing on her at the last moment.

This morning, or rather early this afternoon, when he crawled out of bed, he sat on the sofa with me and apologized, acknowledging how he knew it was a bad day for me. Then he went on to say that he thought August 1st would be a good 'Birthday' for him and that things would be better because today was the day he would stop drinking.

All I could do was sit there and cry and when he asked what was wrong all I could say was that (1) things would not be fine, (2) where I used to be able to see a future with our family now I see nothing (3) that I don't even know how to be a wife to him, because no matter what I do it seems to be the wrong thing and 'the' excuse he needs to go drink & (4) I don't understand why our family isn't enough to make him happy.

It's probably the closest I've been to telling him how I feel in 3 years. It was probably a mistake. He just left to go grab a salad from Wendy's. I just looked at my daughter and she said, "here we go"...and she's probably right. The odds are 85/15 that he will have hit the ABC store before he comes home.


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