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I haven't been blogging for the longest time. Not in my best mood, so I'll just be brief about what has happened the past few months. Sorry if I don't sound too happy at the happy parts. They ARE happy memories. It's just that I'm not exactly in a very fantastic mood right now.

Exams were over about 2 weeks ago, they seem such a distant memory now. It became really stressful, so much so I starting whining and talking loudly in my sleep almost every night for 1 week or so. Results will be out next week, I just hope my results are commensurate with my effort. But since the papers at Law school are marked on a bell curve, it's quite probable that that will not happen. I'll just have to stomach whatever the outcome is... Like I've always been doing so far in Law school. What's new.

RJCO practices have also turned full-force. Initially I was hesitant to help out for the main orchestra pieces, but I'm glad I made the decision to, because it's making the whole preparatory experience much more fulfilling. Plus I get to perform with my juniors all over again. Too bad all my friends can't make it for the concert. But I hope everything turns out okay.

Some time ago our LAWR TG had a picnic at Marina Barrage. It was really nice at night, save for the disgusting ants. There was some Arts Festival rehearsal there as well, so there were fireworks. Next Monday they're coming over to my house for an overnight movie marathon. Speaking of next week, I'm booked the entire week because of RJCO practices, lol. But I believe it'll be fulfilling and fun.

I applied for an internship at the Law Society as well, just went for my interview today. The chances of getting it are pretty low, because there are only 2 places but more than 10 applicants, and I'm quite sure I'm not even ranked in the top half or anything. So, come what may. Either way there's something to gain, I guess.

Over the past 2 weeks, I've watched 3 movies - probably the highest concentration of cinema movie-watching I've ever attained in my life. Wolverine was quite cool, although I never watched any of the X-men series. Angels and Demons was quite good, but I thought there might have been too many twists in the plot, so they sort of fling you around in your seat up till the very end. And I was a bit disappointed because I thought it would be scarier and more thrilling. Star Trek was okay. Energise! Hey, perhaps teleporting would become a reality in the future if they find a way to convert things/humans into energy and transmitting the energy through cables, like our internet and telephones, etc. Haha... I think I must sound really bimbotic.

I want to watch The Uninvited Guest!! Anyone game for a horror movie? :D

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I don't want to make things so hard, but there are so many things I don't know how to put across. I wish I could, but I can't find the right form to do it. I know I've been wanting this opportunity for a long time, and the way I'm reacting towards it seems to be ironic. But it's hard... For reasons I don't know how to articulate. Let's just say I'm afraid that history would repeat itself. I've been hoping and praying, but still I'm afraid.

I guess I'm also disappointed that I'm the only one with something concrete to say. I thought there was a well-thought up way for things to work out. I guess not. You said you knew I'd be okay. You said you knew. You said you did... And now, I don't know what to make of that anymore. Apparently, you didn't? Just like I had feared, things are taking on the form of history. It's happening all over again. I've just got myself on an emotional rollercoaster ride, again. It's never going to end. I don't know if one day I'll get so tired of it that the steam just runs out...

I have always been the type who speaks my mind about things I don't like, that I know. But I wish it could be understood that when it comes to certain things, I'm not the kind to be forthcoming with what I think and feel. By that, I don't mean that I lie. I just mean it takes me time and preparation to muster up the words. It may be exasperating, but sometimes I just need more time to gather my thoughts and to decide how to string them into proper sentences and organise them. I just need time... And understanding. It's nerve-wrecking enough having to search my mind to collect all these depressing thoughts. The last thing I need is something to fan the charcoal and spoil everything. Once everything is spoilt, I need time not only to gather my thoughts, but to recover from the agitation... Which may take much more time.

And when I'm recovering from an emotional upheaval, aggravating factors will only make it worse, i.e. exasperation with me, renewed impatience, bitter words, etc. I thought things were finally taking an upturn, but maybe I was wrong. I wasn't given enough cooldown time, before the arrows and daggers starting shooting in my direction again. Purporting to be trying to make things better, but shooting me down all over again like nothing had happened before that, is not the nicest feeling... Forcing me to talk when a storm is brewing/has brewed inside me, is not exactly helping, either.

I just wish that there was a way. I wish many things. I hate many things. I feel jaded. Very jaded, because all this has been bogging me down for the longest time that it's just difficult to approach it with a willing and positive attitude anymore. I feel so resigned, so tired. That's what I mean when I said that the longer I wait, the harder it is to say it. It does NOT mean that every second tha passes by, I should get bugged to spill it all out. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Recently there's been much hostility as well. I guess the fault is mutual and I'm sorry. But it just makes me more jaded and it's making me lose faith. (Thanks Tracy for that tag. Maybe I should have more faith.)

Posted at 9:02 PM

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Since 14 Dec 08