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Couldn't sleep properly last night even after taking my cough medicine. The drowsy effect of the medicine did kick in, but the cough-suppressing effect didn't really work. So I was half knocked out but still coughing badly. The feeling really sucks. My bout of cough is really bad because when I try to sleep and I'm drifting off into dreamland, I cough about every 10 seconds and it jolts me awake... And it just goes on and on that way. =/

Have been rather depressed over the past few days as well but I'm really glad for the people who've been there for me all this while. It's also helped me to see things in a different light. And I guess I've realised that there's no point in moping all the time. I'd rather just be thankful for what I have. And just let things be. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it isn't, then letting it go would be the best decision to make. Either way, what someone told me is right - only time will tell what's really meant to be. Whatever seems real and convincing now may well change. Whatever I think now, I may find silly a year later. I might see things differently... And it's not just me who may see things differently. I guess we just never know what the future holds and it's not for us to change things beyond a certain extent. There's only that much control we have over what will happen. Really, anything can happen. Thanks to a friend for helping me realise that. :)

Anyway, it's been a difficult semester and I'm glad it's finally ended. Exams just ended on 5 Dec. But now I'm terribly ill and kind of sad as well. It just doesn't feel like how post-exam periods are supposed to feel. My flu started off with a fever which reached a high of 39.5 degrees celsius on Sunday. Then it became an inflamed throat and subsequently, a cough and phlegm which got really bad. The cough is more or less uncontrollable now. Sigh.

For now, I'll just take things in my stride and take the next four days to reflect and think things over. And just... Contemplate stuff with a composed mind, treasure my alone time and talk things over with myself in my head. The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster ride like none I've ever experienced in my life. I've never known happiness like this before, but neither have I known sadness like this. The unprecedented. While it has been the worst nightmare of my life, it has also given me some of the best times in my life. And through the vicissitudes, I think I have grown... And learnt many valuable lessons. Perhaps grown stronger as well... Emotionally.

The past few days have been some of the worst days of my life. But luckily for me, pessimistic as I may be, there's this side of me that's fighting really hard when I'm really down and upset and dejected. The side that reminds myself to be strong, and to be grateful for what I have... Much as I may want much more.

Whatever it is, I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I believe that whatever happens, I WILL learn of the reason, whether it's now or later. Come what may. And I'm glad for what I have. I've also finally realised what it means to live for the present and not harp on the past or let the fear of what may happen in the future prevent me from cherishing what I have. It isn't easy, but I'm going to try and stay positive.

And you're right. It doesn't matter what others think. I'm going to stop worrying about what they believe to be true... It shouldn't affect what is or isn't.

如果一切还能争取，我一定爱到底。

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On a different note, I went to watch the NCMC recently. Haha... Kind of reminds me of my competition period two years ago, brings back memories. But it also reminded me of the injustice the competition brings every year, which is really depressing, because you see some people getting unjustly enriched, and others getting less than they deserve. For many possible reasons. Makes me almost angry. But I guess that's the way things work and it's never really going to change. There's no point harping on it... When we see such things I guess the best we can do is just to move on and forget about it.

I met YLS like finally, after such a long time! Met her at the Pipa Open finals. I think she's even prettier now. :) I really miss her. Haha. :(

And I wish I could be more. I know she believes I was more, but I wish it wasn't just her who believed it. Ah well, like someone said, it's water under the bridge now. And I've never really been very upset over it. I know better than to be, because there's just no point in being upset. It's enough to have what I have/had, and I know to count my blessings. And her faith in me is just, irreplaceable. It means to me more than anything else others may say or think.

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AHHH. I'm so stupid. When I got my current phone (on 25 Oct 08) I was too lazy to check out the features for synchronising with the PC... I JUST realised today that I can transfer SMSes from my phone to my laptop!!! And all this while I've been deleting messages. So xin tong you know. :'( Sigh. Stupid me. Should have explored the program thoroughly at the start!!

Posted at 8:01 PM

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Since 14 Dec 08