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I haven't found the time to pen down anything here for a long time. :(

Tuesday (20 Jan) was quite a depressing day. It was Legal Theory day, and I was feeling very depressed about school. :( I started feeling like I didn't belong in Law school, and all the feelings of not having made the right choice relapsed. I know it takes a person time to adapt to Law school, but this is just taking way too long. I scare myself even, with the way I can so loosely and so frequently lament about Law school and how I hate it so much. But I guess it's not really all that bad, although Zara is right that sometimes the thought of giving up becomes so enticing when you do badly or are very worn out. And it's scary, because once that thought pops up, you become open to the possibility of it and it stays at the back of your mind. And when that happens, it's difficult to still give your all.

Someone told me, that I'll pull through. Thank you... How can I not pull through, with your support? :) But pulling through is just not the way to go. It got me thinking about survival versus excellence. Survival is almost effortlessly attained. Dragging your feet along, struggling, drowning, living and not existing... That can be surviving, too. But excellence entails so much more. What is needed to achieve it is certainly not mere diligence. A major part of it is competence, as well. And competence... Is not something you can work towards. Strictly speaking, you can get the hang of something and become good at it. But flair...

It didn't help that that morning, I received an email that just... Escalated my horrid mood. But I'm fine now. :)

Went to SMU yesterday to study, but got not much accomplished. But I got to meet Xing Yan and Yilun. :) Left after that because there was no internet connection that we could access. :/ So, despite having sworn not to collect my Contract test paper yesterday so as not to ruin my lessons-free day, I went back to BTC and collected it anyway. And I'm glad to say it didn't ruin my day. Haha. Quite relieved, and rather thankful... Though I'm very sure that if the paper hadn't been marked on a bell curve I would have gotten a much worse grade. Felt nauseus on the way to school and sitting in a bus didn't help. :( I walked up the hill at an unprecedented speed (I've never walked so slowly in my life) to prevent myself from puking.

LAWR class went fine today. I don't know why I always dread LAWR classes but that they always turn out to be okay. Quite enjoyable, in fact, while being intellectually stimulating. I think it's got to do with the tutor too. I don't think I would enjoy LAWR classes much at all if my tutor was... Ah never mind. I feel like a person with the mens rea for murder but without the actus reus.

I was and am really angry. Because I think it's just unjustified. Damn you.

Ah well. Anywayyy, right after LAWR class, I headed down to City Hall to meet the RJCO juniors. Yiu Sum's birthday celebration. Too bad my class ended so late that by the time I reached, they were leaving already. :( But we managed to take F5CZ photos. :)

I've been doing some of my own research on urticaria in a bid to find the cause of my urticaria. (Speaking of which, this current occurrence has been on for 8 days already. D:) All along I've assumed that my case is one of acute (short-term) urticaria because each time it happens it goes away within 1 or 2 weeks. But after doing some online research, I learnt that apparently, chronic urticaria also refers to that which occurs intermittently over years. Which sounds like me.

And since I usually get it at the end of the year when I have some major exams or activities like competition going on, I suspected it might be due to stress. My GP once threw out that possibility as well. So I went to search on stress as a possible cause, and... Apparently, stress is indeed one possible cause. And I also found out that when someone is stressed over a prolonged period, the urticaria can continue even when the stress disappears. Which seems to fit the puzzle perfectly because I usually get urticaria after these stressful periods, and once during.

Oh, and apparently different types of antihistamine works differently for everyone. So your doctor is supposed to try different types before identifying the one that's best for you. Hmm.

Being a pessimist is not about not realising what you have to be thankful for. It's not about hoping for a different life. At least, it is definitely not what makes a pessimist a pessimist. Rather, pessimism is about perspective. Whether you're an optimist or a pessimist depends largely on how much of your mind is directed at the positive side of things, and how much of it is directed at the negative side of things. And very often this can't be controlled, much as a pessimist may try. Therefore, I might recognise 10 things that make my life a fortunate one, and 1 little imperfection in it. But being a pessimist, I recognise the first 10 things, and my mind quickly dismisses them. As for the last 1 little imperfection, my mind would harp on it, and it would seep into my subconsciousness. I know it's small, I know it's insignificant, but it just doesn't go away.

You see, pessimism is not overcome simply by realising the fact that there are many good things in one's life. In fact, when you think of positive things to make yourself happier, you end up thinking ABOUT more things. And when you think about more of these things, the bad in these things suddenly occur to you as well. So can you see that thinking of good things can be more detrimental than thinking about nothing at all, for the pessimist? It's not about directing the pessimist's mind to happy things; it's about changing the pessimist's perspective; changing the way she views things. And that can really be quite a feat.

The more strongly you feel against something, the more likely you are to change your opinion about it. This is not absolute, but to some extent it is true. I guess it's because someone who feels strongly about something would think deeply and passionately about it, and once that happens, that person starts to consider the other side of things. And doubt and question. It's like a rubberband effect where you stretch the rubberband to it's maximum and then you let go. It's scary because I am such a person. And it scares me how I can take a 180 degree turn in my perception of things that I feel very strongly about. Sometimes it can be difficult to accept and to let go of the pride surrounding the initial opinion formed.

Sorry I'm not making much sense. I'm tired. I'm so glad that CNY is just around the corner! But damn it, I haven't cut my hair. :( Okay goodnight.

Posted at 11:37 PM

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Since 14 Dec 08